The One with the Much Remorse

It’s funny really. The longer you procrastinate on something, the harder it is to actually get it done.

I go throughout my days and many various activities with interesting blog topics popping into my head; none of which I would be lacking for filler. But it always pops up. That big elephant just standing there - blinking at me from the middle of the room. He’s a powerful elephant – able to zap all my blogging energy with a single blink.

So, let’s face it. These past weeks have been fairly difficult. There’s only so much emotional turmoil you can deal with really before it starts affecting you in some way or another. Unfortunately, the only outlet I could really let ANY of this affect me is here on my blog. It is thought that writing can cleanse the soul. Once your thoughts are down on paper (or in this case, cyberspace), they are free – no longer captivated to your mind. And so, that here is my goal, in what I can only imagine to be a fairly lengthy blog.

Let me start though at about exactly one month ago, when into this world came Ontario vom Rappenhoff!!! After many, many excruciating hours of waiting and watching, Bunny went into labor on April 10, 2009. Her labor lasted most of the day, but her water just wouldn’t break. Later on that evening, the vet decided to come out and induce her. This ended up being a really good thing. As it turns out, Ontario was facing the right direction, however he was upside down! Dr. Miller labored away for about thirty minutes and we soon saw the darling little striped face of Ontario.

This was my VERY first birth that I’ve seen, and it was a little bit traumatic. However, mother and baby are doing fantastically!! From day one he has been just precocious! Bunny is very protective about him, but each day he just grows by LEAPS and bounds! He is very balanced already, and we have some GREAT plans of taking him along to Devon as he matures and becomes the outstanding dressage stud I know he will be!

Halara’s pregnancy did unfortunately not turn out so well. After Ontario was born, we expected Harper to just pop right out. Another week went by with nothing. She was not even producing milk. As she passed her year mark, we all sighed with worry and waited for the vets to make some sort of call as to which direction we should go.

Looking back, it’s hard to say where everything started going wrong. There are so many answers that I’m not sure any of us want to even look for yet. The short of the story though is that the vets decided to induce Halara, but the baby was just not quite ready to be born (despite his large size!). The birth was very traumatic, and the following days even more so as everyone at Traveler’s Crossing (and even a past boarder Laura!) rallied together to help this baby make it. Despite Tammy’s best efforts though, he did not, and we miss him horribly! Halara is also no longer able to be bred as the pregnancy/birth did not treat her very kindly. She is recovering well though – physically and emotionally – and will be back to work shortly.

And just when all of us started to take a breath and move on, Lila, Tammy and David’s little Papillion was hit and killed on their farm (very much by accident!) The evening Lila died I rather felt my life spinning. I searched for the pain in my heart that I knew would start pounding again, but it was gone. It was like I was already numb from the current pain. It’s a scary place to be. Surrounded by so much loss. Even now, I wish I could somehow go back and find some other words to say, but my mind still goes blank. Just searching. I know it’s my body way of going into survival mode and protecting me against the horrendous pain I first experienced many years back. I have this memory of being a child, hopping on my bed sobbing, and just praying that God would hold me and tell me everything would be OK. And He never failed. Everything did always end up being OK. Getting to that point again though can be hard, but if I’ve learned ANYTHING through my life, it’s that God is faithful. All the time.

After the death of Harper, Jazzie and her family ended up leaving Traveler’s Crossing. I’m sure this is probably for the best – even though we miss them!! I think that it can be good for all of us to leave the place of such hard memories sometimes. It gives us a chance to heal. I think we all need that chance for a bit.

Things around the farm are slowly returning to normal. Willa has also gone back to Erinne on Wadmalaw Island as her time with Tammy is up. I wish them both the best of luck as well in their futures! Willa is definitely a special little mare!

Sudi and Kehbir have had a bit of a break with all the turmoil going on. I’ve focused a lot on helping Sudi heal his body some. Amelia has come out several times helping to alleviate some of the tension and tight spots he develops (sometimes from his conformation or from falling out in the field etc...silly Arab!), and he seems to be feeling so much better. When I ride, he is much more supple and able to come through and use his back (finally!). We are planning on moving up to actually riding some Training level dressage tests!!! I’m thrilled.

Kehbir and my mom are doing well. They had a great lesson this past weekend, and we have more over Memorial Day weekend hopefully. It's really neat to see them progressing!

So there it is. My hard month in just a few paragraphs. Having written it out, I don’t feel like I’ve done it enough justice, but so be it. I’m closing the door and moving on.

Before I end, I want to add one more disheartening anecdote. This past weekend up at Jersey Fresh we lost another great horse. Phillip Dutton and his horse Bailey Wick had a horrible accident going XC, and Bailey Wick did not make it. My condolences go out to Phillip and the owners of that GREAT horse. My heart cries out for this sport. I pray we can find a way to change it for the better and soon! We simply cannot accept these losses…They are just too great!

Promising to be diligent and back to our regularly scheduled happy posting!